As a married person, what are some wise precautions you will take to safeguard your marriage from infidelity?

I want to tell you of my story regarding infidelity in marriage. My story is not a shocking one, but it is an area that is truly close to my heart. It is something we fight against daily in our marriage.

My husband is a gymnastics coach, and that is his career. He loves it with all his heart, and hopes to give the children he coaches an amazing chance to become a college athlete just as he was. He is a very good coach, and is the director of the program. However what this job requires as a high level coach is that he works with many women, and often travels 3 weeks out of a month, generally, and is often gone for 4-5 days a week for about 6 months of every year. His co-coach is a woman, which means he travels with her and other women and there are rarely other male coaches. They will travel together, work together, eat together and are in the same hotel.

This was very difficult for me at first, and to be honest still is sometimes and we had/have some tense moments in working out the feelings I had/have regarding this issue. I often felt insecure. A lot of the reason is because most of these women are very athletic, often have the same goals and dreams as he does, with much more free time while I was at home with little time to work out and often spent my time running around with our kids being a housewife and student and sometimes didn’t even get a shower before noon. I also know that while it may not be on purpose, spending this much time with someone can easily lead to feelings that are dangerous.

It is something we have committed to continually monitoring, often weekly or more. Thankfully my husband is also committed to me and our family, he truly tries to put himself in my shoes and often says, “Yes, I see that if the situation were turned around I would be upset as well. Thank you for letting my know, I will make changes.” I am more than ever grateful for this attitude.

We have some rules that we go by to make it through situations like this some of them are…

1. Rule: He calls me every night when he is gone.

What he generally actually does is text me frequently throughout the day and calls me every morning and evening. He always asks me how my day was, what I am doing and often expresses how much he misses us (my 3 kids and I).

2. Rule: Never ever spends time in another hotel room. Not even for a second. They never meet at the room, always meet up in the lobby.

3. Rule: He always insists on me meeting every girl he spends even a small, continued amount of time with. This is his rule, he demands that I get to know all of his co-workers and people he needs to work with, judges, other coaches and etc.

4. Rule: He is never alone with any woman at work. When they travel, he works the best he can to make sure they travel with the families of the girls he coaches. They work to make all their plane ticket at the same time. The hotel is the same one the parents stay at and they eat with parents as often as they can as well.

5. Rule: Again, this is his self-imposed cute rule. He always brings the kids back a present. His motivation behind this is that it lets the kids know he misses them and it keeps them on his mind. Not that he ever doesn’t think about them, but it directs his thoughts toward finding the perfect gift. He will often spend the entire time searching for the perfect gift for them.

6. Rule: We go on dates every week to strengthen our marriage. And every year we take time out for ourselves to build our marriage relationship. We spend about 1 week every summer camping and away from everyone. This has been amazing because it truly challenges us and we have a full week to talk and get to know each other again.

I won’t go through all of the things we do. But those are some of the most important things. To me it is one of the hardest things in our marriage, not hard in that it has in the past become a problem, but that the potential is so great. Yet I have a wonderful, and very trusting marriage and it takes a lot of work.

Marriage is scary sometimes, and hard. It takes true desire from both people to truly make it work. It takes full trust and commitment. I find that because we work so hard, and take a good look at our marriage frequently, that this has actually become a blessing. We are closer than perhaps we would be otherwise as we are both so on guard of the potential dangers. The need to trust each other and the need to continually be aware of the other persons feelings has brought us together in ways I never imagined would happen.

Do you have similar situations that you deal with? What are some of the ways you work toward emotional fidelity?

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Lets talk about gridlock!

First, no, gridlock isn’t being in traffic so bad that you simply cannot move, at least not the kind I am talking about. Have you ever been in an argument that was so difficult with neither one of you wiling to budge an inch? When you cannot get your spouse to see your side, however you aren’t seeing their side either. Much like being in a traffic jam gridlock the inability to move is frustrating!

So here are a few signs!

Of course the best approach to gridlock is to avoid it! Yet sometimes that gridlock can get the best of you anyway.   We have talked about strategies in the past, but lets review!

As Gottman suggests:

1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture your fondness and Admiration
3. Turn toward each other
4. Let your Partner Influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems

By following these strategies, we can often avoid these gridlocks, yet when we do actually find ourselves right in the middle of an emotional traffic Jam what do we do?   Chances are you are missing each others needs. One of the greatest keys is to understand, notice I didn’t always say agree, with each others needs. Understanding is the first step. I don’t mean just hearing the other person tell you what is wrong, but truly understanding what they need, and their dreams as well. If feelings of hurt are present, or hurt happens overly easy, maybe you need to step back a few steps and work on nurturing your fondness, or turning toward each other.  Find out each others dreams, hear them and respect them. This will give your marriage a significant lift. Knowing that your spouse can and will support you when possible is money in the emotional bank.

Perpetual problems won’t go away, yet if you treat it right, you can side step the gridlocks, and treat it as a “Bad allergy or trick knee” (Gottman) You don’t have to solve the problem to get past the gridlock, nor do you need to give in or lose. “The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

How lovely would it be to grow old with your best friend, well lets make that happen. Make your spouse your best friend! Your other half. It is possible.

Perpetual verses solvable marriage problems

In reading this week, my attention was caught by the two types of marital problems, and how all problems can be put into one of two groups. Those groups are perpetual problems or solvable problems.

Perpetual problems are problems that cannot be worked out between partners, problems that will always be there. Now in considering this, we need to realize that although these problems may always be there, that does not mean that it is going to ruin the marriage or cause insurmountable issues. I believe that one of the greatest things we can do when we run into a problem like this is to work on it together to come up with an agree to disagree moment.

I have seen this in my own marriage. I believed that my husband and I would be able to work out every problem we encounter. That all of my beliefs would be something my husband and I would come to agree on together. Yet I have found one problem that we cannot agree on, and that is politics. I see my views as being correct and have a hard time believing that my spouse, which whom we agree on most things, would disagree with me on such important issues. It was astounding to me that we couldn’t agree, and that neither of us is willing to change in this one area. This of course shows up most prominently during election year with our presidents. While we still agree on many major issues debated, there are a few points that just won’t work themselves out.

But this isn’t breaking our relationship. We have come to terms with our disagreements, politely smile while we disagree, and laugh in the end because we both know the other person is clearly wrong.  We are completely comfortable with knowing that disagreements, even ones that last for 15 years, do not need to break a marriage.

The second type of problem is a solvable problem. As you might guess, this is a problem that can be solved. But sometimes it takes work and compromise. I believe that the compromise part is the hardest part. Sometimes these disagreements, or problems seem like perpetual problems that they cannot be solved. Often though what it really takes is understanding on both parts and a willingness to be changed by our spouse.

During the first years of our marriage, my husband and I could not agree on the temperature in our home. Such a silly concept when I look back on it. Yet at the time I desperately wanted to be warm in my own home without wearing a coat, and my husband didn’t want to pay a large utility bill. The best part of this story is that the difference was over a mere 3-degree difference. This festered neither of us wanting to budge an inch and both certain that if the other person just cared they would obviously see it our way. It felt like a perpetual problem. Finally after several months of both of us sneaking the temperature up and down, it lead to a blow up fight. Our first and biggest fight, yes over 3 degrees. We let it cause so much tension, and while we can now look back and laugh at our own stupidity, at the time it was pulling us apart.

Don’t be a 3-degree fighter, learn early to compromise and listen to each other. And do the best you can to make your issues solvable but learn to deal with the perpetual as well.

           

Pride!

            Pride… the downfall of many. In reading a talk from President Benson, a Prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he talked about pride. Pride, he says, is a sin that can readily be seen in others, but is rarely seen in ourselves. I find this to be devastatingly true. Originally I often thought of pride as he described that most people often believe it to be a sin of those on top. Yet he went on to expound that pride is also faultfinding, gossiping, back biting, murmuring, living beyond our means, failing to forgive, or withholding gratitude. Many of these I am personally guilty of.

            Pride is one of the things that can really break a marriage. When we look at the things above such as faultfinding, back biting, murmuring, living beyond our means, failing to forgive or withholding gratitude, we can see how each of these personally can destroy a relationship of trust or break a marriage. In ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,’ John Gottman describes the same means as not letting your partner influence you.

            One of the things Gottman highly stresses is the unwillingness of letting you spouse influence you. By this he means that in our marriages and relationships we need to hear our spouses concerns and be willing to listen and to fix things when needed. We are so consumed by what we want sometimes, that we forget that in a marriage we are but a half of a marriage, and it should take the whole of the marriage to really make a marriage work. Gottman stresses that this is often the case with husbands. Yet I see it in relationships where the woman is just as guilty as the man if not more so.

            It is human nature to want to be right. I know I surely love to be right. In fact in the early days of our marriage it was almost a contest to see who was right the most often. Obviously this wasn’t good for the marriage. One day my husband said in sarcastic way, “You’re right, I’m wrong, you’re smart, I’m not,” by this point I was getting pretty mad till I looked at his face. He grinned and continued, “you’re pretty, I’m ugly, you’re funny, I’m dull..” I couldn’t help but laugh at the funny things he was saying. But it really hit home to me at that moment, why do I need to be right? Why can’t I just let it go. Now when one of us is so adamant about being correct, the other one generally starts on this mantra, and usually that ends the frustration along with any frustration regarding the situation.

            How much better could our lives and our marriages be if we could just let our pride go. Yes much easier said then done. But shall we work on it?

References:

Benson, Ezra Taft. "Beware Of Pride". Byui.brightspace.com. N.p., 1989. Web. 3 Nov. 2016.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

Staying Connected and Turning Towards Each Other

             While studying marriages, I have come to think that one of the most important things we can do is to stay connected. In the book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,” Gottman talks about turning towards each other. When he says this, he doesn’t mean that only during the hard times will we turn towards each other, but a lot of it is acknowledging each other in the little moments of life. Often we make bids for attention, often without realizing that we are doing it. These bids are comments directed towards each other, or moments questions or conversations with each other. I loved this. When I originally thought of turning towards each other, I thought it meant when a big thing happened you turned toward you spouse and leaned on each other. But it means so much more than that. Staying connected requires small moments of turning towards each other. Often these things are hearing them when they speak, saying thank you for helping in the home, smiling and acknowledging them when they come home, sharing interests even when it isn’t your favorite thing in the world. These little things are the small moments of life that create the ability to turn towards each other in difficult times. If these small moments are missing, then you may not be comfortable turning towards each other when things get really tough. “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love.” (Gottman, p. 260) These small moments bring out the best of the marriage; it is more than the hum drum of life. It can be wonderful, soul filling, and hard all at the same time.

If you have a marriage that you think, is this all there is, maybe it is time that you took the steps to start turning towards each other. The great thing about this is that one person can make a huge difference. Often when one person starts turning towards the other, even when you do it in secret, the other person will feel that love and start appreciating and working harder as well.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

Becoming a quality person and recognizing the qualities in your spouse.

Elder Ashton discussed the importance of becoming a quality person. I really love this and the things he says. I look at my daughter, who is 12, and wonder about her future when reading these things about dating. And my other thoughts run to, am I still a quality person now that I am married? How about your loved one, your spouse, do you see who they are now? Do you see the good qualities that they have?

Regarding my daughter. My husband has always felt that improving yourself is one of the most important things that you can do when trying to get a date. When he was younger, he would learn the guitar, learned how to water ski, rock climb, not to mention he was a college gymnast at the time. But what I loved most about his quest to improve himself was the care he took in building his testimony. He was so easy to find attractive since he was athletic but it was his testimony that really stood out. In our efforts to raise our children, we often talk to my daughter about who she wants to be. She is just starting to want to date, since all her friends are, yes dating at 12. Since she is so young we often tell her to improve herself so that when the time comes she can shine as a young women of value and talent and to become the kind of person a great guy would want to date. She is so cute, she is learning the ukulele and learning how to rock climb. She is also learning volley ball and working on writing a book.

The other side of this when I was reading this, is who am I now, now that I am not looking for someone to date. Often I think the belief is that we don’t need to continually improve ourselves once we do get married. I know there are certainly times when I have felt them myself. Yet as I was reading this what really made me stop and think was, who am I now. Does my husband still want to be with me, does he still after 15 years enjoy my company? It really made me take a hard look at myself. Yes I am married, but I really believe that this is not the end of self-improvement. We have a great marriage, I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband. But I believe that I still must keep trying to improve, or one day it may not be the case. So my goal today is to take one thing at a time and build up a person he loves to hang out with.

In finding out more about my husband, I refer you to love maps. It is a great activity given to us by John M. Gottman, from “The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work” It’s a great book if you haven’t read it. In this book Gottman talks about love maps.(chapter 4) A love map is in general a lot of questions, about your past, your preferences, your loves, your sorrows, your difficulties, basically a bunch a questions about you, the real you the deepest part of you. He asks that you ask your significant other these questions, see how many you know and how many you don’t have any idea about. Often when we first get married, we know a lot of these things about each other. But as time goes by things change. Do we still know your spouse like we used to? Do we still know what makes them happy or sad? If we don’t know them, how can we love them?

I am going to give a challenge, if you haven’t read Gottmans book, “The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work” then please do! It’s a great book with wonderful insights!

So what do you think? Do you think self-improvement should stop at marriage? I mean we are the person that our spouse wanted to marry why change, right? Do you still understand your spouse, know them, know that makes them happy or sad, or what they like?

References:

Ashton, Marvin. "Becoming A Quality Person Now - Ensign Apr. 2010 - Ensign". Lds.org. N.p., 2016. Web. 18 Oct. 2016.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

The Killers of Marriage.

Often in our lives we wonder what makes a marriage work or not? How can we avoid the dangers and make our marriage strong? Or most importantly what are the dangers and signs of a marriage not surviving?

In The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, Gottman and Mordechai suggest that there are signs that can give you a heads up that maybe you should be checking the pulse of your marriage. 6 of those signs are:

1. Harsh Start-up
2. The Four Horsemen
3. Criticism
4. Contempt
5. Defensiveness
6. Stonewalling
7. Flooding
8. Body Language
9. Failed Repair Attempts
10. Bad Memories

Lets talk about these in turn. First the Harsh Start-up. A harsh start up is a moment when you start an discussion and immediately start attacking. You start the conversation with negativity and accusation. When starting a conversation with each other does one or both of you start with a Harsh Start-Up?

Second is the Four Horsemen. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You will always have something that may not work for you in the marriage, things that may bug you about your spouse. It truly is part of being human. Yet do you criticize that person? There is a big difference between complaining about that problem and criticism. Which one do you do? Contempt is just plain painful and a form of major disrespect. When you are contemptuous it truly is purely to cause pain, not a good indicator of a good relationship. Of course when this happens to you, you become defensive right? Yet research shows that this isn’t going to help solve any problems, in fact it usually makes it worse. Tall order right? Can you check yourself and take the higher ground? Last of the four horsemen is stonewalling, when one partner tunes out. Yes you are often avoiding a fight, but unless you intend to come back when you feel calmer, you are also avoiding your marriage. Take a quick look at yourself, is this something you do?

Third is flooding. Often when arguments occur in a good relationship we can get through the argument and move on. Yet in a marriage that is having problems, the arguments become spiteful, and hurtful with intent to do harm. The harm that can be caused by someone who is supposed to love you can be serious. Thus the flooding technique is employed. It is a way of shutting off emotion, often it looks like the argument is having no effect, yet the opposite is true. Often the effect is so painful that people stonewall to protect their psychological and physical wellbeing. If your partner is stonewalling, you may be causing more damage than you realize.

Fourth is body language. During an argument, I am sure we have all felt it, the instant attack of adrenaline and the heart rate shoots up. It is believed that it has to do with protecting yourself against danger. When this happens a lot during a discussion the eventual consequences may become disastrous.

Fifth is when one person tries to calm an argument down, relieve some of the tension, or make an attempt to repair damage it is called a repair attempt. The problem is when these attempts are not acknowledged. When one person tries to stop the resentment or argument and the other avoids it or doesn’t even see it, it can be minimal if it only happens a few times. Yet when this is an everyday and every argument occurrence, it is a certain warning sign.

And last is Bad memories. Do you still look back at your beginning days with fondness? If so this is a good thing. You can remember the good times. Yet when you look back and only see bad things, your memories may be rewriting history. When you can only look back and see unhappiness even in those early blissful days of first love, your memories have long faded. It often leads one person to feelings of ulterior motives when good things are done for each other.

We all have fights and arguments in our marriage. We all struggle, but if you see these things in your marriage, perhaps you should take a good look at your marriage and strive to check it’s pulse, are you really doing all you can? It is such a difficult question to ask yourself.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

(Gottman and Silver)