Perpetual verses solvable marriage problems

In reading this week, my attention was caught by the two types of marital problems, and how all problems can be put into one of two groups. Those groups are perpetual problems or solvable problems.

Perpetual problems are problems that cannot be worked out between partners, problems that will always be there. Now in considering this, we need to realize that although these problems may always be there, that does not mean that it is going to ruin the marriage or cause insurmountable issues. I believe that one of the greatest things we can do when we run into a problem like this is to work on it together to come up with an agree to disagree moment.

I have seen this in my own marriage. I believed that my husband and I would be able to work out every problem we encounter. That all of my beliefs would be something my husband and I would come to agree on together. Yet I have found one problem that we cannot agree on, and that is politics. I see my views as being correct and have a hard time believing that my spouse, which whom we agree on most things, would disagree with me on such important issues. It was astounding to me that we couldn’t agree, and that neither of us is willing to change in this one area. This of course shows up most prominently during election year with our presidents. While we still agree on many major issues debated, there are a few points that just won’t work themselves out.

But this isn’t breaking our relationship. We have come to terms with our disagreements, politely smile while we disagree, and laugh in the end because we both know the other person is clearly wrong.  We are completely comfortable with knowing that disagreements, even ones that last for 15 years, do not need to break a marriage.

The second type of problem is a solvable problem. As you might guess, this is a problem that can be solved. But sometimes it takes work and compromise. I believe that the compromise part is the hardest part. Sometimes these disagreements, or problems seem like perpetual problems that they cannot be solved. Often though what it really takes is understanding on both parts and a willingness to be changed by our spouse.

During the first years of our marriage, my husband and I could not agree on the temperature in our home. Such a silly concept when I look back on it. Yet at the time I desperately wanted to be warm in my own home without wearing a coat, and my husband didn’t want to pay a large utility bill. The best part of this story is that the difference was over a mere 3-degree difference. This festered neither of us wanting to budge an inch and both certain that if the other person just cared they would obviously see it our way. It felt like a perpetual problem. Finally after several months of both of us sneaking the temperature up and down, it lead to a blow up fight. Our first and biggest fight, yes over 3 degrees. We let it cause so much tension, and while we can now look back and laugh at our own stupidity, at the time it was pulling us apart.

Don’t be a 3-degree fighter, learn early to compromise and listen to each other. And do the best you can to make your issues solvable but learn to deal with the perpetual as well.