Lets talk about gridlock!

First, no, gridlock isn’t being in traffic so bad that you simply cannot move, at least not the kind I am talking about. Have you ever been in an argument that was so difficult with neither one of you wiling to budge an inch? When you cannot get your spouse to see your side, however you aren’t seeing their side either. Much like being in a traffic jam gridlock the inability to move is frustrating!

So here are a few signs!

Of course the best approach to gridlock is to avoid it! Yet sometimes that gridlock can get the best of you anyway.   We have talked about strategies in the past, but lets review!

As Gottman suggests:

1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture your fondness and Admiration
3. Turn toward each other
4. Let your Partner Influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems

By following these strategies, we can often avoid these gridlocks, yet when we do actually find ourselves right in the middle of an emotional traffic Jam what do we do?   Chances are you are missing each others needs. One of the greatest keys is to understand, notice I didn’t always say agree, with each others needs. Understanding is the first step. I don’t mean just hearing the other person tell you what is wrong, but truly understanding what they need, and their dreams as well. If feelings of hurt are present, or hurt happens overly easy, maybe you need to step back a few steps and work on nurturing your fondness, or turning toward each other.  Find out each others dreams, hear them and respect them. This will give your marriage a significant lift. Knowing that your spouse can and will support you when possible is money in the emotional bank.

Perpetual problems won’t go away, yet if you treat it right, you can side step the gridlocks, and treat it as a “Bad allergy or trick knee” (Gottman) You don’t have to solve the problem to get past the gridlock, nor do you need to give in or lose. “The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

How lovely would it be to grow old with your best friend, well lets make that happen. Make your spouse your best friend! Your other half. It is possible.