The Killers of Marriage.

Often in our lives we wonder what makes a marriage work or not? How can we avoid the dangers and make our marriage strong? Or most importantly what are the dangers and signs of a marriage not surviving?

In The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, Gottman and Mordechai suggest that there are signs that can give you a heads up that maybe you should be checking the pulse of your marriage. 6 of those signs are:

1. Harsh Start-up
2. The Four Horsemen
3. Criticism
4. Contempt
5. Defensiveness
6. Stonewalling
7. Flooding
8. Body Language
9. Failed Repair Attempts
10. Bad Memories

Lets talk about these in turn. First the Harsh Start-up. A harsh start up is a moment when you start an discussion and immediately start attacking. You start the conversation with negativity and accusation. When starting a conversation with each other does one or both of you start with a Harsh Start-Up?

Second is the Four Horsemen. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You will always have something that may not work for you in the marriage, things that may bug you about your spouse. It truly is part of being human. Yet do you criticize that person? There is a big difference between complaining about that problem and criticism. Which one do you do? Contempt is just plain painful and a form of major disrespect. When you are contemptuous it truly is purely to cause pain, not a good indicator of a good relationship. Of course when this happens to you, you become defensive right? Yet research shows that this isn’t going to help solve any problems, in fact it usually makes it worse. Tall order right? Can you check yourself and take the higher ground? Last of the four horsemen is stonewalling, when one partner tunes out. Yes you are often avoiding a fight, but unless you intend to come back when you feel calmer, you are also avoiding your marriage. Take a quick look at yourself, is this something you do?

Third is flooding. Often when arguments occur in a good relationship we can get through the argument and move on. Yet in a marriage that is having problems, the arguments become spiteful, and hurtful with intent to do harm. The harm that can be caused by someone who is supposed to love you can be serious. Thus the flooding technique is employed. It is a way of shutting off emotion, often it looks like the argument is having no effect, yet the opposite is true. Often the effect is so painful that people stonewall to protect their psychological and physical wellbeing. If your partner is stonewalling, you may be causing more damage than you realize.

Fourth is body language. During an argument, I am sure we have all felt it, the instant attack of adrenaline and the heart rate shoots up. It is believed that it has to do with protecting yourself against danger. When this happens a lot during a discussion the eventual consequences may become disastrous.

Fifth is when one person tries to calm an argument down, relieve some of the tension, or make an attempt to repair damage it is called a repair attempt. The problem is when these attempts are not acknowledged. When one person tries to stop the resentment or argument and the other avoids it or doesn’t even see it, it can be minimal if it only happens a few times. Yet when this is an everyday and every argument occurrence, it is a certain warning sign.

And last is Bad memories. Do you still look back at your beginning days with fondness? If so this is a good thing. You can remember the good times. Yet when you look back and only see bad things, your memories may be rewriting history. When you can only look back and see unhappiness even in those early blissful days of first love, your memories have long faded. It often leads one person to feelings of ulterior motives when good things are done for each other.

We all have fights and arguments in our marriage. We all struggle, but if you see these things in your marriage, perhaps you should take a good look at your marriage and strive to check it’s pulse, are you really doing all you can? It is such a difficult question to ask yourself.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

(Gottman and Silver)