Staying Connected and Turning Towards Each Other

             While studying marriages, I have come to think that one of the most important things we can do is to stay connected. In the book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,” Gottman talks about turning towards each other. When he says this, he doesn’t mean that only during the hard times will we turn towards each other, but a lot of it is acknowledging each other in the little moments of life. Often we make bids for attention, often without realizing that we are doing it. These bids are comments directed towards each other, or moments questions or conversations with each other. I loved this. When I originally thought of turning towards each other, I thought it meant when a big thing happened you turned toward you spouse and leaned on each other. But it means so much more than that. Staying connected requires small moments of turning towards each other. Often these things are hearing them when they speak, saying thank you for helping in the home, smiling and acknowledging them when they come home, sharing interests even when it isn’t your favorite thing in the world. These little things are the small moments of life that create the ability to turn towards each other in difficult times. If these small moments are missing, then you may not be comfortable turning towards each other when things get really tough. “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love.” (Gottman, p. 260) These small moments bring out the best of the marriage; it is more than the hum drum of life. It can be wonderful, soul filling, and hard all at the same time.

If you have a marriage that you think, is this all there is, maybe it is time that you took the steps to start turning towards each other. The great thing about this is that one person can make a huge difference. Often when one person starts turning towards the other, even when you do it in secret, the other person will feel that love and start appreciating and working harder as well.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

Becoming a quality person and recognizing the qualities in your spouse.

Elder Ashton discussed the importance of becoming a quality person. I really love this and the things he says. I look at my daughter, who is 12, and wonder about her future when reading these things about dating. And my other thoughts run to, am I still a quality person now that I am married? How about your loved one, your spouse, do you see who they are now? Do you see the good qualities that they have?

Regarding my daughter. My husband has always felt that improving yourself is one of the most important things that you can do when trying to get a date. When he was younger, he would learn the guitar, learned how to water ski, rock climb, not to mention he was a college gymnast at the time. But what I loved most about his quest to improve himself was the care he took in building his testimony. He was so easy to find attractive since he was athletic but it was his testimony that really stood out. In our efforts to raise our children, we often talk to my daughter about who she wants to be. She is just starting to want to date, since all her friends are, yes dating at 12. Since she is so young we often tell her to improve herself so that when the time comes she can shine as a young women of value and talent and to become the kind of person a great guy would want to date. She is so cute, she is learning the ukulele and learning how to rock climb. She is also learning volley ball and working on writing a book.

The other side of this when I was reading this, is who am I now, now that I am not looking for someone to date. Often I think the belief is that we don’t need to continually improve ourselves once we do get married. I know there are certainly times when I have felt them myself. Yet as I was reading this what really made me stop and think was, who am I now. Does my husband still want to be with me, does he still after 15 years enjoy my company? It really made me take a hard look at myself. Yes I am married, but I really believe that this is not the end of self-improvement. We have a great marriage, I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband. But I believe that I still must keep trying to improve, or one day it may not be the case. So my goal today is to take one thing at a time and build up a person he loves to hang out with.

In finding out more about my husband, I refer you to love maps. It is a great activity given to us by John M. Gottman, from “The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work” It’s a great book if you haven’t read it. In this book Gottman talks about love maps.(chapter 4) A love map is in general a lot of questions, about your past, your preferences, your loves, your sorrows, your difficulties, basically a bunch a questions about you, the real you the deepest part of you. He asks that you ask your significant other these questions, see how many you know and how many you don’t have any idea about. Often when we first get married, we know a lot of these things about each other. But as time goes by things change. Do we still know your spouse like we used to? Do we still know what makes them happy or sad? If we don’t know them, how can we love them?

I am going to give a challenge, if you haven’t read Gottmans book, “The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work” then please do! It’s a great book with wonderful insights!

So what do you think? Do you think self-improvement should stop at marriage? I mean we are the person that our spouse wanted to marry why change, right? Do you still understand your spouse, know them, know that makes them happy or sad, or what they like?

References:

Ashton, Marvin. "Becoming A Quality Person Now - Ensign Apr. 2010 - Ensign". Lds.org. N.p., 2016. Web. 18 Oct. 2016.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

The Killers of Marriage.

Often in our lives we wonder what makes a marriage work or not? How can we avoid the dangers and make our marriage strong? Or most importantly what are the dangers and signs of a marriage not surviving?

In The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, Gottman and Mordechai suggest that there are signs that can give you a heads up that maybe you should be checking the pulse of your marriage. 6 of those signs are:

1. Harsh Start-up
2. The Four Horsemen
3. Criticism
4. Contempt
5. Defensiveness
6. Stonewalling
7. Flooding
8. Body Language
9. Failed Repair Attempts
10. Bad Memories

Lets talk about these in turn. First the Harsh Start-up. A harsh start up is a moment when you start an discussion and immediately start attacking. You start the conversation with negativity and accusation. When starting a conversation with each other does one or both of you start with a Harsh Start-Up?

Second is the Four Horsemen. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You will always have something that may not work for you in the marriage, things that may bug you about your spouse. It truly is part of being human. Yet do you criticize that person? There is a big difference between complaining about that problem and criticism. Which one do you do? Contempt is just plain painful and a form of major disrespect. When you are contemptuous it truly is purely to cause pain, not a good indicator of a good relationship. Of course when this happens to you, you become defensive right? Yet research shows that this isn’t going to help solve any problems, in fact it usually makes it worse. Tall order right? Can you check yourself and take the higher ground? Last of the four horsemen is stonewalling, when one partner tunes out. Yes you are often avoiding a fight, but unless you intend to come back when you feel calmer, you are also avoiding your marriage. Take a quick look at yourself, is this something you do?

Third is flooding. Often when arguments occur in a good relationship we can get through the argument and move on. Yet in a marriage that is having problems, the arguments become spiteful, and hurtful with intent to do harm. The harm that can be caused by someone who is supposed to love you can be serious. Thus the flooding technique is employed. It is a way of shutting off emotion, often it looks like the argument is having no effect, yet the opposite is true. Often the effect is so painful that people stonewall to protect their psychological and physical wellbeing. If your partner is stonewalling, you may be causing more damage than you realize.

Fourth is body language. During an argument, I am sure we have all felt it, the instant attack of adrenaline and the heart rate shoots up. It is believed that it has to do with protecting yourself against danger. When this happens a lot during a discussion the eventual consequences may become disastrous.

Fifth is when one person tries to calm an argument down, relieve some of the tension, or make an attempt to repair damage it is called a repair attempt. The problem is when these attempts are not acknowledged. When one person tries to stop the resentment or argument and the other avoids it or doesn’t even see it, it can be minimal if it only happens a few times. Yet when this is an everyday and every argument occurrence, it is a certain warning sign.

And last is Bad memories. Do you still look back at your beginning days with fondness? If so this is a good thing. You can remember the good times. Yet when you look back and only see bad things, your memories may be rewriting history. When you can only look back and see unhappiness even in those early blissful days of first love, your memories have long faded. It often leads one person to feelings of ulterior motives when good things are done for each other.

We all have fights and arguments in our marriage. We all struggle, but if you see these things in your marriage, perhaps you should take a good look at your marriage and strive to check it’s pulse, are you really doing all you can? It is such a difficult question to ask yourself.

Gottman, John Mordechai and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Print.

(Gottman and Silver)

What do we want in a marriage? What is it we strive for and look for?

       I was able to do some cool research on my family, last week I discussed how large my family is. It is wonderful! While studying my family some of the things I looked for were if my family had a tendency to stay married. As I studied I found only 5 divorces in the 90 marriages within 3 generations. I think that is pretty cool!

       So what makes a marriage stick? Why do some marriages last, and some don’t? Obviously there are multiple answers to that question, and it is like opening up a can of worms. But as I thought about this question in my own family I found a few things that stood out to me.

       Most of these marriages were marriages that were sealed for not only time but for eternity as well. I strongly believe that it makes a difference whether the marriage is a covenant marriage or a contract marriage.

       In marriage, do you believe that you should give 50% and your spouse should provide the other 50% of the relationship? Elder Bruce C. Hafen said that often it is expected in a contract marriage each spouse will give 50%, but what happens when that 50% isn’t reciprocated? To often we see that when this happens a contract marriage wants out of the bargain, the contract is not being met, and therefor they have no obligation to stay.

       But in a covenant marriage it isn’t 50/50, it should always be 100% from one spouse and 100% from the other. It leaves no gaps and there is not contract to fulfill. It is, as Elder Hafen said, like a hireling vs. a shepherd. When things get dangerous and scary the hireling will flee, the shepherd will fight till the death.

       What if we treated our marriages like this? What if we fought to the death to save our marriages and treated each other as a shepherd treats their flock? How then could our marriages fail. The pure and selfless act of loving each other unconditionally despite our faults and arguments and imperfect nature, what if we fought for this?

Reference: Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26