Creating Healthy ties with in-laws

I don’t know about you, but I had heard lots of stories about the dreaded “in-laws.”  I was very worried about who my mother-in-law would turn out to be especially.  And when I found out my finance had sisters, I was especially worried.

The first time I met my mother-in-law we were on our way to pick up my husband, or boyfriend at the time, from the airport and his plane was delayed, for 8 hours!  So they took me to their house and I got to know them without the support of Andrew.  We had started to play games, and one of the first things my mother-in-law did was pull out a piece of paper to write all the things they didn’t like about me on it, in front of me.  Thankfully they were kidding, but it kind of left me terrified.  That evening on our way out the door for him to take me home, his father expressed his concern, I was only 18, and that he thought we should seriously consider not getting married for a multiple of reasons.  The next day, we came back and were engaged.

Fortunately my relationship with my in-laws turned out to be ideal.  For they followed some great rules.

Harper and Olsen suggest that some ways that we can create healthy ties with our families, such as

·      Newly married couple should leave their parents and live in their own home.

·      Problems should be discussed between the newly weds and not with others.

·      Not pressuring the children for constant attention, often leaves the newlyweds to figure out life on their own, and because they aren’t pressured to visit, the often visit more.

·      Accepting differences between the families

·      Not interfering with parenting or the way they choose to create their own identity.

·      Only offering advice when asked, and in a loving spiritual manner.

·      Building relationships with the new daughter-in-law or son-in-law.

·      Being supportive of their decisions.

My husband’s family is probably the best I could have hoped for.  I really appreciate the support and love they give to me.  They don’t treat me like a daughter-in-law but as a daughter, and are always respectful of boundaries and helping us grow as a couple.  If I can do half as well with my children as they grow older then I will have it made. 

Becoming One

How many of you, after leaving home, newly married, have turned back to your parent for answers instead of your husband or wife?

It is a wise parent who tells their grown up child that the advice and council must come from your spouse.  Many marriages have been broken up by well meaning advice from family members when it should have been discussed between the couple.

In our marriages, especially when we are newly married, it is easy to turn to someone you trust, someone who has done it before.  Yet it is a wonderful time that you get to grow together, and working out problems, discussing your every day life, finances, bills, work schedules, household chores, and all else that is new, gives you an opportunity to create something that works perfectly for you and your spouse.  And working it our together makes you stronger and happier.  Your parents are wonderful, your spouses parents are wonderful, yet they are not you, and you are now blending those two families into a new one.  It really is a challenging time.  You are taking two ways to do Christmas, and making new traditions, all your regular meals that you had at home, now you get a whole new list of dinners to add to your meal calendar.  Who takes out the trash, who does the laundry, and how are you going to make ends meet, all questions that will find need new answers to.

However one of the most important things to remember is that it is done as partners, equals, with no one in power.  This takes council, prayer, and studying it out together.

President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: “In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.” Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing (L. Tom Perry, Ensign, May 2004 p. 71).

My neighbor once told me that she could never be a part of our church because we oppress women.  I was intrigued and asked “Do you feel that I am oppressed?”  She answered “Of course not, but you are the exception, everyone knows that women in your church must follow what the men decree. I already have that in my family, I don’t need it in the Church I attend as well." 

What a sad comment, I felt for her as she told me of her struggles to have a say in her marriage, or in her life.  I am forever truly grateful that we believe that this gospel put us all on equal footing, that we are to work together as equals, not president and vice president or master and slave, but to truly become equal and one. 

I hope that you can have a marriage as one, one heart one mind.  Not that you cannot have different opinions or ideas, but that you can work together in harmony.


Check out this website for great videos on becoming one!

https://www.mormonchannel.org/listen/series/gospel-solutions-for-families-audio/building-your-marriage-leaving-cleaving-becoming-one-part-2-episode-22